i know not what

Who said " What's in me and what I'm putting on the canvas haven't gotten together yet"?
I can think around corners and imagine. I can see a final product, yet...yet...
Is it possible to really see a creation in your mind yet not at all be able to put it on canvas?
It is actually the process of putting paint on the brush then on the canvas that interferes.
Some say, don't think, just paint. Thinking too much about what I do fills me with hesitation which becomes fear of failure. A classic dilemma for some.

A Coetzee Dialogue

John: Do you really believe that books give meaning to our lives?

Julia: Yes. A book should be an axe to chop open the frozen sea inside us. What else should it be?

A Gesture of refusal in the face of time. A bid for immortality.

You want people to read you after you are dead.

It affords me some consolation to cling to that prospect.

But why should people of the future bother to read the book you write if it doesn't help them to find meaning in their lives?

Perhaps they will still like to read books that are well written?

for john coetzee

you disturb, you make islands of people
just when i think i can manage, i end up reading another of your creations,
reading another provocative j m coetzee
and i am an island again, thinking again about every word,
every meaning
too isolating
but then i would rather read you than not read at all
even if you make me lose meaning

group production

One of the drawings done by all of us in the life drawing class. Alan has us do this to destroy the preciousness, the fear of "going at it". We started a drawing and then moved on to the next to fix, change, improve, re-draw, until eventually we got back to where we started. This drawing is the one I really liked; it is brave, has gravitas. My own drawings turned out disappointing. Too timid, too nothing, too frightened.

yellow nude

When I try to develop a painting from a life drawing, I have issues. Do I try to be realistic? Can I be brave and just paint? Dare I? How can I be loose with the paint? Do I have to make hard edges? So insecure, so inexperienced. They say to just paint, I'll get there.